So here we have it folks. The shouting, the screaming, the
back stabbing and the scheming is all behind us for another year. Not a huge
amount to tell about this week, the candidates faced a team of meanies elected
by Lord Sugar to bully them to a pulp and sift through the wreckage to see if
there is still life and a valuable business plan.
Afterwards the candidates faced Sugar and the board to have
their feedback and their proposed businesses picked clean. Jade was the first
to leave, Lord S was unimpressed with her idea to corner the market in being
annoying, clearly years of practice with that voice had set her sights on being
a dominant force in shrill sounds that nobody wants to hear. Her plan, to open
the UK’s biggest telecentre, with all of the annoying clichés rolled into one. Double
glazing, kitchens, debt problems, energy supplies, all with Alan Sugar’s
beaming smile at the top of the headed paper, to make people think everything
is going to be ok as a little clone of Jade asked them if their gas and
electricity was working well for them, or if not that then would they like a
new mobile phone, no ok, how about a new kitchen, before being hung up on at
7:43 on a Saturday morning. To be fair to Jade it was just a crap idea and as a
candidate she actually performed quite well and managed to impress Lord S to a
certain degree. She came across well in the additional hour of the Apprentice,
or as it has always been known, ‘You’re Fired’.
Next down was the people’s favourite Nick. He had survived
last week as his sweet empire was raised to a gluey, sugary mess after Adam’s
pitch and the omission from the task of his expertise in selling hot chocolate.
Now he faced the final. He survived the interviews just as most of the meanies couldn’t
understand his idea, or more correctly couldn’t see the point. Personally I
thought it was a good move. The internet would tell you to buy ingredients for
a meal you liked the look of and would have them delivered to your house along
with more recipes for the left over ingredients. Somehow this would have been
too technical to be worthwhile and everyone other than Nick, me and the rest of
the consumers of Britain hated it. But the money man was one of them and Nick
got the flick. He again seemed like a decent bloke, but after Stephen had gone
everyone is going to get the decent treatment. It annoyed me a little that
Stephen was allowed into the studio for ‘You’re Fired’ he is such a colossal nob
they should have used the bellend clause and denied him access, the bulgy eyed
gimp.
So we had a final two, and what a final two we had. Ricky
was always going to be final two. I knew this from week one and stupidly put my
money on Jane because she was nasty and I quite fancied her. Then I backed
Duane, who I still believed went too early in the process. But I should have
always gone with Ricky. He was smart, single minded, competitive and better
than everyone else. He also called himself Ricky Martin and afforded me the opportunity
for so many of my now world famous RM jokes, ah how we laughed. The other final
two-ist was Tom. He sulked his way through the interviews and grumbled through
his pitch to the board. To be fair his plan was ok, but I am sure others have
been doing this before him, BBR Lay and Wheeler anyone? The only difference between
their idea and Tom’s was that they were realistic towards how much people would
be willing to invest and you have the opportunity to choose your own wine as
well. It didn’t seem like a new idea and though Shugs was almost taken in by it
he eventually saw it as too much of a risk to be making a business out of other
people’s money, something he has thus far never done. So Tom got denied and
Ricky won.
Tom seemed to be fair, like a massive grumpy tosser on ‘You’re
Fired’ and on every single episode of the show. His fellow candidates all gave
him a glowing report, suggesting that he was actually great fun and I’m sure he
is, but he didn’t exhibit this at all throughout the process and that lack of
enthusiasm was most likely apparent to Sugar and the decision was easy. Hard
luck Tom, it could be worse, you could be Stephen.
Ricky, our winner. He was dragged over the coals for his
application, full of bravado and daft suggestions that he was descended from
the Heavens and that Lord Sugar is an old dog to be taught new tricks, but he
defended this well suggesting he had grown in maturity over the course of the
show and that he had left Ricky Martin behind and become Richard, the man for
the job. Fair play to him, it worked. His daft statement got him to the process
and then his ability won it for him. All of the interviewers thought him ok,
Claude, the meaniest of them all said he was ‘mesmerising’, clearly he meant
his copy of ‘Musica + Alma + Sexo’ that he had sent from The States. His idea
for a business was very good, a recruitment business for scientific industries.
He has worked in recruitment successfully and has a degree in the sciences. It was
a simple idea and a simple one to back.
Well done Ricky Martin, enjoy livin la vida loca with Lord
Sugar and congratulations.
And finally an aside for the three or four of you who read
this blog. Thank you, I know it has been the highlight of your week.
All the best dear friends
Andrew D. Clark
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