Hello my friends,
It is a little past that time of week again, for which I apologise,
I was unable to watch our favourite programme on Wednesday and only caught up
last night.
So let’s crack on. A very relevant week in the apprentice
for me as I have worked for some years in the wine industry and know English
sparkling wine very well. Enough in fact to assure you that the tagline ‘Less
fizz more sparkle’ is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard. More on that
and the multi-tasking Stephen Brady (who struggled for wickets this week
against the West Indies).
The teams met with Lord Sugar in St Pancras station’s
champagne bar. Here he told them that they would be setting up a campaign to
raise the awareness of English sparkling wine. He then allowed Sterling to pick
a player from the other team. Each of Sterling were unanimous in their
selection of Nick, Adam in fact was very excited. So with the ‘Don’t pick me’
expression fading from his chops nick slid over to Sterling. Adam then grinned
his way through Lord Sugar’s explanation of the tasks brief, growing pink(er)
with the excitement of having his mate back.
Lord S was quite precise, telling the kids that they would
be tasked with making a promotional drive for English fizz, not for selling it
or marketing it in any other way.
Phoenix set about picking their PM, everyone wanted a go so
they decided on a vote where you can’t vote for yourself. This fell like
literally everything else in the whole world on the deaf ears of the now fully
elected and seemingly un-usurp-able colossal nob that is Stephen Brady, who
voted for himself, like a massive tit. When it was reiterated that he couldn’t vote
for himself he voted for Ricky. Ricky Martin and the Phoenix three were back on
tour.
Tom was the obvious choice for Sterling. He works in wine
and does this every day, though he is obviously incapable in pronouncing
Champagne. It was lucky for Sterling to have Tom as like every week, Adam was
out of his comfort zone. His comfort zone being at Old Trafford, blending in
with the rest of the turds. To be fair to Adam though, he has improved slightly
(no mean feat I know) but has endeared me a lot, he did well with the art stuff
last week and has adopted a persona of a 5 year old boy willing to try
anything, it kind of suits him, and of course I apologise to him if he is not a
Man U fan, the evidence for that is against him, he is after all from
Manchester, I simply wanted to call all United fans turds. Oh look I did it
again.
Tom had to highlight to Adam the distinction between
champagne and sparkling wine, this I can’t hold against him. It is incredible
the amount of people who don’t know that. With this sorted they headed out to
meet some producers and as we saw later on You’re Fired, get as bevied as
possible on free English plonk.
Stephen meanwhile was further demonstrating how he knows
nothing about anything ever, with the exception of how to be a melt, suggesting
that ‘Moet (pronounced wrong), Cava, Prosecco, they’re names that actually
signify that drink...’ this is wrong on so many counts, he doesn’t know a thing
and the fact that he has survived this process so far makes me question the way
the programme works, surely Lord Sugar, who laid down the law in week one “this
is my boardroom and this is my money” can have a bellend veto as part of his
contract, starting in around week 5 with ‘all of those coming on the task step
forward, Stephen, where do you think you are going?’ followed by, ‘you my
friend are fired, not because you have lost tasks, oh no you have slipped by on
the coattails of all of your fellow candidates, no you are fired as I invoke
the bellend clause which allows me to rid this process of any obvious bellend
with stupid bulging eyes and empty, echoing cranium.’ The saddest thing is
after Stephen came out with his latest diatribe of utter drivel (yes I am aware
of the irony Ewan), Ricky gave it validity, it really is the blind leading the
stupid. He continued his outspewing of abject nonsense with ‘That is the word
that springs to mind c e r t, cert’, what does that mean you feckless arse,
followed by ‘another word that springs to mind to me that represents
BRITISHNESS, grandeur’ moron. I felt sorry for Gabby, sat beside this fool
having to listen to the endless prattling whilst trying to get on with her own
work, that was the work that was good and recognised by the rest of her team
and the boardroom panel as the only decent work to come out of the morning that
her and the cretin spent together. It also has to be highlighted the third
wonderful idea in the stream of (desire to lose) consciousness was ‘Chink’ as
in chink glasses, like the English Sparkling wine industry would be perfectly
comfortable with chink stamped to their bottles. Gabby simply laughed and said
no.
Ricky and Jenna found themselves at Denbies Wine Estate, a
chance to meet some producers and get their ideas on what the English sparkling
market offers and how best to market it. Sensible. Tom and Adam on the other
hand went to another and simply did some tasting. Tom spent his time harping on
about vanilla from the French oak and to be fair all of the sort of things that
I would be doing, Adam as has been usual when he is out of his comfort zone
gave his honest evaluation of the wine ‘It is almost tangy (or tangeh) like
Granny Smith’s’, cue Karren Brady’s disparaging look, but take that Brady,
maybe you should spend all of you millions in learning about wine, that is
quite a typical aroma characteristic of a young, fresh approached non vintage
sparkling wine, now say you are sorry!
Back to the ever patient Gabrielle and the ever an utter
wolly Stephen, in Tesco looking at bottles. This is branding 101 look at other
things and see what works, again lost on Stephen who wasted ages traipsing round
the store looking for someone to tell them about wine. Gabrielle noticed this,
in fact anyone would, you are in Tesco, if you want to know where it is on the
shelf, or if there is any in the warehouse because they appear to be out, then
perhaps you will get some help, there won’t be award winning sommelier throughout
the country, hanging around by the discounted New Zealand Sauvignon and the
rose Freixenet, just in case you need a St Emilion, that has been doubled in
price, then slashed in half and called a deal, to go with the Ginsters you
picked up from an earlier aisle. At least as he wandered around the store looking
for a ‘salesman’ Gabrielle was able to get stuff done.
To summarise the rest of the first day, Ricky and Jenna
ordered props for their video shoot the next day. Ricky should have noticed
Jenna’s desire for the tacky at this point, but still made the decision for her
to direct the video with the incredibly skilled Stephen the next day. Nick and Jade
worked their socks off with their brand ideas and their website. Tom and Adam
got more and more drunk. Before they went to bed Ricky cemented the idea that
the video should be sensible, that it should be quality and not too ‘gimmicky’.
On the next day, the teams, some more delicate than others,
set off about their duties. Ricky and Gabby did some website stuff, Tom and
Adam recovered from their hangovers then Adam and Jade went to make their
video. Adam self applied the title choreographer as in someone who tells people
where to stand. Jade asked him what choreography means he said that it is
telling people where they stand, he backs this up with the fact that everyone
told him that was what it was. If only he had asked Jade, or a choreographer,
or anyone.
The day went by, but the most important part of the day was
the video made by Jenna and Stephen. It was absolutely terrible. Truly, utterly
and completely rubbish. They missed the point and the mood in English sparkling
wine, thinking more Lambrini and white lightning than Nyetimber and Chapel
Down. When Ricky saw it he didn’t look happy.
Next the teams presented their marketing initiatives to the
collection of industry experts to pass judgment. They seemed happy with Ricky
and his lot until they saw the video, at this point they all looked embarrassed.
‘Why is it necessary to make it so flippant?’ best question ever.
When Tom and gang presented their presentation the panel
seemed nonplussed by what was essentially a sales website and a drab video.
But to cut this pretty long story short, the teams sat in front
of Lord S and he picked a winner. He was unhappy that Tom’s team didn’t really
get the task, straying too much from the marketing brief, but the video killed
it for Ricky. They lost. Tom and his pals got to play in a rooftop hot tub,
unlucky Jade, and Ricky had to pick his co-firees.
This was easy Gabby had done well; she went back to the
house. Jenna should have been safe; yes the vid was her fault, she got carried
away with her daft idea and developed something utterly rubbish, but Stephen was
in the boardroom facing a firing, Sugar had holstered his bellend clause, this
was going to be quick and easy. Until...
Until the loose mouth, bulging eyed dickhead challenged Lord
Sugar. You make me PM next week I will win (I will be on a winning team, my
team mate might win it). Alan was so angered with the challenge he rose to it.
He told Stephen that he would be leading next week and that he would have to
win. Jenna got the flick.
Next week that little tard has to lose. I want to see Lord
Sugar pull him apart and silence that offensive little bollock for good. Nonce.
OK, on to next week. This has been a bit of a rant, for
which I apologise, but I am finding it harder each week to keep a lid on my
distain for that horrible little man!
Still think Ricky will win overall, but we shall see!
Nice one pals,
Andrew D. Clark
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