Week 6 Meatballsed up.

Meatballsed Up               

Week 6

Only a short blog this week as I’m away from my desk. With the teams the same as last week, with the exception of Duane, obviously, Lord Sugar sent the candidates to Edinburgh to try their hand at selling gourmet food. What this entailed was tarting up a burger van and selling food that has a little more to it than your usual street food. Lord Sugar handpicked the PM this week, selecting Jenna to run Team Sterling and Adam to ruin, sorry run, Team Phoenix. Jenna has put herself forward a couple of times for PM over the process but is often overlooked, possibly due to her slightly meek nature, but north of the Border the meek inherited the reins and decided that their focus would be on high quality, traditional Scottish food, opting for Aberdeen Angus beef casserole and haggis and mash after consulting with one of Scotland’s top Michelin starred chefs. She decided to fork out a little more on the produced, selecting premium beef and good ingredients, perhaps a slight gamble as profit margins would take a considerable hit. So up popped the Gourmet Scot Pot on Parliament Square, and along with the help of a piper seconded to Team Sterling on the promise of some free scran, they started to sell.

Adam took Phoenix over to a top Italian restaurant to get a recipe for their meatballs and pasta idea, but simply couldn’t grasp the concept of quality food, looking to cut cost and corners in every way possible, cue Nick Hewer’s disparaging look down his nose as Adam asks the top chef if dried rosemary worked as well as fresh. He even thought that sourced locally meant went to the local Morrisons to get all of their store brand cheapest ingredients. This cheap food was coupled with Katie’s marvellous idea of selling meatballs and pasta to Rangers and Hearts fans on their way to Tynecastle, looking at one point to price them at £7.99, these are the kind of ideas that have ensured Rangers’ sound financial state. In keeping with the earlier Italian expertise that brought us Bellisimo tomato sauce the ‘branding department’ went for the catchy name Utterly Delicious Meatballs (sigh).

At 6 quid a tray of parsimoniously assembled, cheap ingredients at a football match it is fair to say that Phoenix struggled to make sales, yet as they did their best the ‘marketing department’ headed out to research other places to sell from. Should have just done what Nick did for Sterling and find this out on the train on the way up. Stephen struck up a deal with a tour bus company to hock their phony Italian wares to poor tourists trying to learn about Edinburgh. Instead of viewing landmarks and historical sites they were forced to listen to Katie dressed as a pizza selling them meatballs. So pleased was Stephen of his captive audience tour bus takeover idea, in fact declaring it a task winning suggestion whilst looking as proud of himself as he always does, that he demanded his pink faced puppet move from the ground to re-situate near to the tour busses. They did and it was a bad idea. They had missed the lunch time trade moving from the football crowd and everyone on the busses had already eaten, the subliminal messages coming from the ‘advertising department’ telling them that if they did indeed fancy some more food they should look for someone selling pizza.

Parliament Square wasn’t working too well for Sterling with not a huge amount of people to sell to, so Rob Roy and William Wallace, AKA Ricky and Laura dressed in ‘comical’ borderline racist ‘Scottish attire’, headed off to find some customers. They did, so Jenna stopped panicking and doom mongering long enough to re-locate. After the move they found a decent trade and people seemed genuinely impressed by the quality of their food. Trade roared.

Back in the boardroom Jenna looked nervous, but her gamble paid off and she and Sterling won the task by around 20 pounds. Off they went to see Nick crashing a segway scooter at a decent speed, all good fun. Sterling did well though and hats off to Jenna. She won me over this week, making decisions and leading well in her own gentle style. There is a certain sweet innocence to her, a fine example being when she asked Laura if people spoke ‘purely Scottish’ to her would she be able to understand. She isn’t going to win the process though.

So Adam lost and with his horrid face sandwiched between the white of his shirt and the white of his hair he stumbled through the process of deciding who to take with him to take the flack. A process that required a lot of umming and ahhing, punctuated with hollow expressions of how he is the perfect candidate and your perfect business partner Loooord Shuga, with a handful of sexist sprinklings on top. He eventually decided on Katie who had been the main reason for going to the football match and deserved her place in the firing line and Azhar who had done little but look sulky all week, well all process.

I was looking forward to this, having seen my two favourites sacked in quick succession, and still sore about the loss of Bilyana, the sacking of this deluded prick Adam with his worm-like pink face and his stupid childish grin and the utter and constant nonsense that he speaks would be enjoyable. But it wasn’t to be. You see as I have established all of the members of Phoenix need sacking, they are equally as useless as each other, the exception is possibly Tom, who does say sound things and understands business, but is far far far too miserable to back. So Katie took the bullet. Lord Sugar highlighted that it was her third boardroom and that she makes errors, she was lucky week 1 when she should have walked and her luck had finally run out. She followed it and the two lads went back to the house.

Right that is week 6 done, I’m off to watch you’re fired, sorry that this blog wasn’t as detailed or as interesting as earlier ones, as I said I’m away at the mo and I’m a little annoyed Adam is still in the process.

Ricky to win from now on I think.

Take it easy,

Andrew D. Clark

Week 5 Dancing Fool

This week saw the teams devising their own fitness class, the license of which they were then to sell to gym companies and this is where their revenue would come. Stephen was pretty quick to put himself forward as PM for Phoenix, this is his sector and apparently what he does all day every day. So without fuss he elected himself unopposed. As he put it, if he fails in this task he would indeed be on the chopping block as he has no excuse for not winning. Ricky Martin opted to front Team Sterling, this despite guest vocals from Jenna, but Ricky was appointed PM following a vote. Both teams then settled to agree on a concept for their class.

Ricky was pretty organised, running what seemed like a sensible and democratic brain storming. He, as a professional singer (oh sorry wrestler) was naturally bent on having a combat inspired class, but he was as passionate as the rest of his team in combining it with street dance to form Beat Battle, a catchy name and a pretty decent product. Sterling were, at this point, very focussed, Ricky decisive in a manner in which he didn’t alienate other’s ideas or make anyone lose face, so with the ship steady and the destination clear the team split in two to investigate the different elements that would make up Beat Battle. This resulted in Ricky, Laura and Jenna going to a Thai kick-boxing gym to learn some moves, whilst Duane, Nick and Gabrielle went to learn how to throw some street shapes, Nick displaying just how current he is with his inability to remember ‘new jack swing’ looking more like Nick Hewer’s age than 25. Being fair to Sterling they did very well, looking organised and making sound and logical decisions to differentiate their routine from others on the market which are similar, the main distinctions being the use of elbows instead of punches, which boxercise employs, and its marriage with street dance. Bit of a comedy moment when the fitness instructor asks Laura if she has any fitness experience, bit of a mean question for ‘a good looking business woman’.

Stephen and Phoenix on the other hand couldn’t be more different. Take any one of team Phoenix, with the exception of possibly Tom and the perpetually sulky Azhar, if brought into the boardroom to face a firing you could happily dismiss all of them. It seems that all that leaks out of Stephen’s mouth is absolute, thoughtless drivel. The brainstorming session for Phoenix seemed like infant school children deciding what to play with from a massive playtime toy-box. Adam took a hiatus from playing shop and wanted, like all little boys, to play with a skipping rope, perhaps they had one as pink as his face. Katie, somehow buoyant from some ill gotten confidence looked to swap hide and seek with a new form of exercise kiss chase, suggesting that just what sweaty singletons are looking for is potential sweaty dates in a speed-dating fitness session, moron. She had a second equally ill-conceived idea of using retro toys, literally everything left in their idiot’s toy-box, to somehow get fit. Being a team of abject cretins they picked up retro and ran with it. Cue Stephen, Tom and Azhar’s visit to an 80s disco. The gentlemen stood on a multicoloured, flashing dance floor, with stifled glee hidden behind their ever reddening faces (Adam his usual hue), whilst being treated to some sort of lame table dance by three young women in loose fitting tops and daft leg warmers. When quizzed about 80s dance 

exercise the middle girl suggested Michael Jackson’s ‘Friller’, I think she meant thriller, bless. This left us with Adam sashaying back and forth like an effeminate Lion from The Wizard of Oz, oh if he only had a brain. For all of Sterling’s sensible questions and thought, Phoenix were more than happy to offer some buggering about. The only sensible suggestion from the team came from Tom, severing his competition with Azhar to see who could look the most moody, to rightly point out that a gym would not thank them for introducing a load of equipment which could only be used with their unique class, and not making use of the equipment that would be abundant in a gym.

Next step, shoot a video. Duane took the mantle for Sterling, but this soon descended into a small fallout between him, Nick and Laura. They argued the toss on almost every decision and despite the fact that they eventually came up with a decent video they were still arguing when they got back to the car. To be honest Laura had a point. Duane was directing a video making decisions that would cut out the martial arts element of their routine in their example, leaving the class looking like a typical dance exercise class and not representing their brand correctly. Nick tried to make them kiss and make up but Duane insisted that they were fine and they shouldn’t be forced to shake hands. I think he had enjoyed watching her dance too much and would be embarrassed about getting too close for a few minutes.

It all fell apart for Phoenix on their shoot also. Ahzar was selected to dress like a misery from the 1980s, complete with a pair of tiny, orange shorts that would have looked comfortable on Rudi Voller. Adam was choreographer. He might as well have been, he is equally as useless in any role, but there is something particularly loathsome about him dismissing Jade, who no doubt should not have been director, I mean a woman as director (Adam’s view, not mine), like some long, upright, pink worm in a white t-shirt, shouting ‘Big Smiles Everyone’ and singing his own version of Flashdance...What a Feeling. What a nob. ‘Groove Train’ the DVD was complete, complete with complete wally Azhar, I actually felt sorry for him in this task, he had to wear his Big Smile, poor boy.

Next part of the task was to pitch the classes. By and large Ricky did this very well. He was aware that the first pitch didn’t go so well, but picked up on the areas where he had come unstuck, addressing them well for the subsequent pitches. His approach was intelligent and organised and he represented a team that had been equally organised and professional throughout the task thus far, he was even told that one of his answers was a good one by one of the gyms. Praise indeed.

 Stephen couldn’t be further from the polished individual that Ricky was. With cheesy video in hand he mumbled unintelligibly through his pitch, making up prices and statistics as he went.  The obvious questions were asked, including ‘would every participant need a spacehopper?’ a first I imagine.

So then to the boardroom. Everyone was behind Ricky in Team Sterling, and when offered the opportunity to sell Duane out over the video Laura was generous, refusing to criticise him heavily, suggesting that he had simply taken control of the video. Stephen also had the unanimous support of his team, but as the idiot led the stupid what more could you expect.

When it came to numbers though the story shifted. Sterling amassed about 8 grand, with two of the three gym networks liking the product, placing orders. Phoenix received three unanimous ‘they hated it’ when being told of their sales, but the Virgin Active group liked their concept as a children’s workout, giving them a £12000 order. They won, somehow, but they won. Any three from that team, as I stated above could have been sacked but they won. It was an absolute travesty, distilled stupidity reigns it seems.

Ricky had a hard task but eventually saw the video as the weak spot, deciding to bring Duane and Laura into the final three. This was perhaps an error as had he taken Jenna in she would have gone, had he taken Gabrielle she would have had to work very hard to stay in it. Maintaining, though, the professional approach the final three didn’t descend too much into childish squabbling, they fought their corners well without flinging vitriol. Lord Sugar silenced the three then fired Duane. He did this citing the video as the reason for the failure of the task, really though the task was failed by the other team getting lucky, absolute bollocks. After he was fired Duane quickly reverted to the character that he has been throughout the process so far. Ever the gentleman he smiled, thanks Lord Sugar, Nick and Karren, tapped his fellow candidates on the shoulder and left the boardroom.

So another week another shock firing. In my mind the two favourites have been let go in consecutive weeks. I think Duane will be fine, he is a nice guy and has represented himself well, and who knows perhaps he, Ricky Martin and his brother Simon Webb can start their own super group.

After this week’s display Ricky has moved into the favourite position in my house.

Cheers

Andrew D. Clark

Where there's muck there's idiots selling it

Where there’s muck there’s idiots selling it.

Week 4,

This week Lord Sugar shifted the teams around again, disbanding the Phoenix boys and sending Ricky Martin over to team Sterling and bringing Jade into Phoenix. The aim was simple. Lord Sugar gave each team one thousand pounds and a shop in East London’s Brick Lane. The team with the most profit at the end of the task win.

As always a PM needed to be decided. Hanging on to his victorious coat tails from the previous week, Duane elected himself to PM Sterling; at the same time twenty eight year old bridal shop owner Laura Hogg put forth herself. When a vote was cast Duane’s name was met by complete silence, a little unfair seeing his past triumph but he had been PM just a week earlier. So Laura it was.

The Phoenix boys needed a new front man and Tom Gearing stepped into the void. You won’t know much about Tom so far but he is the one sulking about in the background with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Alongside this countenance cast in tears and ice is a cheeky Southern brogue and a mass of self belief, the BBC website having quoted him saying ‘I’m confident, charismatic and some people say I’m quite good looking, so that adds to the bill’. I think with that phizog he must have just been handed the bill.

This level of self confidence is something that grumpy Tom must share with his fellow PM Laura who, along with eulogizing how great she was in the task later in the boardroom started the task by saying ‘Being an attractive business woman has its ups and downs’ I wonder what they are (schoolboy grin). To be fair she isn’t a pig so we can allow her that one. She did then qualify this statement with the suggestion that she has been described as a Rottweiler in the past. Make of that what you will.

Tom’s purse strings were as parsimonious as his smiles. He instantly assured the group that of the thousand pounds that they had been given he was allowing them to spend ‘as little as possible’, not wanting to get lumbered with loads of unsold stock. Adam, whose face has just about regained its correct level of puce after last week, voiced his concerns at this tactic, rightly pointing out that they had a lot of retail space to fill and that this approach would leave the shop looking empty.

Laura took the opposite approach. After an impassioned first verse from Ricky suggesting that they hit and raid every charity shop and house for as much crap as they could get their grubby mitts on, ‘we’re selling crap and turning it into style’ keened Martin in what was a close runner for quote of the week. Gabrielle added her two penneth, crooning on about how she loves getting old furniture and doing it up, how she has sold some chairs for £250, a figure that she seemed to pluck from the back of her head, by telling people they were limited edition. She then said ‘even if it just a... Union Jack on it or something’, the importance of this being that she stumbled over the brand image, motif that would adorn all of their collection of knackered chairs and shite that they tried to flog on; a brand image that everyone else in the team didn’t like.

Early the next day the teams split up into groups of beachcombers dredging the streets and junkyards of London for as much tat as they can grab, Tom’s sub team loaded with a meagre £200. They bought some stuff that barely filled their van before Adam reverted to type and started to raid bins for things to sell (and to think those Mancs call us Scousers bin dippers, humph). Laura, Duane and Ricky headed out to grab their haul, buying a LOT of rubbish. Their tactic was to buy relatively decent furniture and then ‘upcycle’ it by pulling it apart and painting it with garish colours. Gabrielle, assisted by Jenna’s painful nasals, went mad buying fabrics and paints, casters and chair legs to assault their collection. Phoenix’s Adam, Katie and Stephen, let’s call them team Steptoe, armed only with what was left of their £200 headed to a junk shop. Stephen led what can be described simply as his best pitch to date, haggled a further fiver out of a man for some of his junk. Team Steptoe clambered upon their cart to drag the rubbish home, backslapping and high fiving, Stephen suggesting that they got all of the best stuff, whilst back in the store the keeper, thirty pounds richer and less a little of his junk described their loot as a pile of junk, two old metal chair that were even worthless as scrap, ‘they picked absolute rubbish’.

Laura, Duane and Ricky, meanwhile, find themselves at a house clearance able, like Willy Wonka’s  guests, to help themselves to everything. It is at this point Duane came up with the line of the week ‘There is a well known saying’, he begins, ‘Never to look a gift horse in the eye’, oh dear.

Once all of the debris had been accumulated the teams set about building their stores and in Sterling’s case ruining their junk in a process known as upcycling, otherwise known as painting it red, white and blue. Their shop was just too arty, their prices overinflated and their attempt to rustic it up with leaves all over the floor just too much. Phoenix on the other hand had an empty store.

After a day of selling shit to cool kids the teams were dragged to the boardroom. When the numbers were crunched Phoenix took the win, it seems that being as tight as possible worked as both stores had taken a relatively similar amount of money. Laura recognised the digs flying in at Gabrielle about her upcycling and elected her as one of those to join her in the firing line. After hearing that Jane had only made ten pounds of sales she was also brought back. After the usual ardent pleas to Lord Sugar and bickering amongst themselves he made up his mind. Impressed by Gabrielle’s hard work and impressive sales he deemed her safe and to be sent back to the house. Jane got the boot. This was a shock, especially for me who had placed a bet at week one that she would win overall. Jane definitely seemed shocked, she was a strong candidate, but it just seems that she rubbed Lord Sugar up the wrong way, with him suggesting that he had seen nothing from her that backed up her impressive CV. Emotional and clearly rocked Jane entered the taxi, I feel that she didn’t do herself any favours this week and seemed distracted throughout the task. Fair enough.

So nothing much has changed, I have lost my bet but I still think that Duane is the strongest contender, even in weeks when he doesn’t seem to be pivotal, he still seems to be heavily involved.

Tom cracked, upon hearing of his victory, a momentary and awkward smile.

Andrew D. Clark

Week three, With condiments.

With condiments.

SO here we have week three. The heat is on for Team Sterling, having lost the first two tasks they really needed to pull their socks up. Lord Sugar arranged a meeting in St Katherine Docks, his former playground. The candidates stood in the wind, each of the girls and Nick Holzherr having their hair undone, as Lord Sugar gave them their task. Next he shuffled the pack, with Duane and Nick moving over to Sterling to help out the girls, both strong candidates. Katie was shifted over to be the cement boots for Team Phoenix, who despite their form have shown a couple of cracks forming. It was still totally apparent that Azhar is carrying a grudge, sulking when introduced to Katie in the back of their Chrysler, even though she was congratulating him on being such a winner. This could be because he has inherited Katie and he is aware that basically the hide and seek is ON between her and Michael. As Katie ingratiated herself with her new team Duane, nestled between Jane and Jade is initiated into Sterling by having to stand Jade’s weird voice defaming Katie.

The whistle goes and Duane volunteers as PM with a forceful and impassioned plea. There is no vote and Duane gets the reins. Over in Phoenix Katie puts herself forward, this is despite being told by Adam, the odious Ashley Peacock lookalike blond tit with a baby pink face, who resembles an engorged zit desperate to be popped, that the task of PM might just be a little bit complicated for her. Fresh from his four wicket haul in Colombo and feeling confident Graeme Swann, AKA Stephen Brady also stakes a claim to be PM. Ensnared by Katie’s floaty eyelashes and incredible ability to manipulate men, they all vote for her, even Azhar who seems a little more cheerful.

Phoenix chose table sauce noting its mass market and easy branding as the primary appeal, meaning that Sterling took chutney (not a euphemism). Jane chirped up at this point suggesting that the chutney market is saturated and would be difficult to break into. She may have a point and a history in the food industry but always seems to be in disagreement with everyone. I’m not sure if she is spoiling for a fight or simply playing Devil’s advocate, but if the latter she does it in a very annoying way, that is making it quite hard to carry on fancying her, especially now I have seen a windswept Laura Hogg (who am I kidding, come back Bilyana). Quality, luxury chutney (still not a euphemism) was the choice as Duane cut through Jane’s technical babble and divided the team up into those to go to the trading and marketing department, and those to go to the lab.

In Phoenix’s car Stephen conjured the product name Bellissimo, repeating the word with a fervour harking back to his eeeer, Mediterranean roots, surely the surname Brady is synonymous with rolling Tuscan hills, I have forgotten the number of times I have sent a Brady Barolo back. At this point I was unsure just who was the bellend in the pack, Brady’s spelling of Belissimo which belied his Denominazione di Origine Controllata e Garantita, or Katie for thinking that Bellissimo could be the Italian for crap. Brady even checked the spelling, thinking that Bellissimo could maybe be spelled with a V, before stating, with the confidence bought by his bowling display bellissimo the day before, that this word ‘is gonna get us the victory’.

Next we see a montage of idiots in a big kitchen whipping up some sauce. It is a definite case of too many shit chefs spoil the broth. Ricky Martin sings out a string of ingredients with Ramsian gusto before looking out hopefully to hear ‘Yes Chef’ by his team. It didn’t come. Then the roughly chopped affair is thrown into a cauldron to be stirred by the wicked witch Adam.

In Sterling’s lab Jane whinges about not having a recipe, ‘I know food and I know if we don’t follow this, the product. Wont. Work’ she wailed just like that. It seemed a much more scientific approach than Phoenix.

Meanwhile Katie and her stooges, Stephen and Michael, stumble across magic in the design room, coming up with a big red pepper for their brand label. Super cool condiment king Levi Roots pointed out their folly to Dara on You’re Fired, they used a sweet pepper to advertise their spicy pepper sauce, truly they don’t have music in their food, well other than Ricky Martin. Sterling’s brand design was much better, so much so that it doesn’t really warrant discussion.

Back to the lab, Jenna stirs a pot of yellowy red paste and states, ‘Oh it’s makin’ me eyes water’, now she knows how anyone subjected to that voice feels. With time a precious commodity Jane suggests that they taste their... concoction. Duane fearlessly steps forward and like the brave Lieutenant, shielding Sergeant Jane and her rag tag outfit from the blast, throws himself on the grenade. The chilli in their InFusion was a little sharp, leaving Duane gasping for breath and retching into the corner of the room, Jane for the first time that day had a smile on her face. What this resulted in, though, was Sterling’s first blow as the trade team had to meet retailers empty handed.

The Phoenix Boys (Ricky Martin’s new band) were still gaily dicking about in the lab with their ketchup. The labels arrived to leave them a bit dejected, with cries of ‘Where’s the chili’ ringing around the lab like Ricky Martin’s lates number one (last time I promise). Adam bemoaned ‘Should have had a pepper on one side and a chilli on the other’ before describing himself ‘simple’. Then things fell apart, as Ricky ticked off the recipe Adam filtered out the extraneous ingredients, most alarmingly the spoon that they nearly added. Adam stirred the potion, like a hair-netted witch, his face turning pinker by the second, screeching the backing vocals of ‘There’s summat wrong with it’, ‘Its boiling the omelette’ from The Phoenix Boy’s first number one “Too many cooks”. This resulted in one wasted batch which drastically affected the products costing.

Both trade teams visited two miserable grey looking men behind a table in a shop to have their products shot down. First up Belissimo Sauce, or Ballissimo or whatever. They grumpy old men seemed ok with the product at the price offered, but instantly noticed the spelling and were unimpressed. They turned a darker shade of grey when the chutney children turned up without a sample.

This ended day 1. The next day both teams headed out to sell their product. They all did ok with the exception of Michael who had been elected to lead the trade selling team. For this he would have to come out of hiding, having knocked Katie into a cocked hat in the final of the hide and seek championship. He might have well stayed in the background, he meek sales approach backed up purely by his cheeky oi oi Cockney charm. He didn’t sell well and combined with their limited amount of product and its hiked price, struggled to shift any of his 80 bottles. Katie and her brown nosed, pink faced friend Adam did ok selling their sauce to the public but it just wasn’t enough.

In the boardroom when the results came in Sterling had their first win and were sent off to skid Porsches round a track. Katie and the Phoenix Boys were left playing ketchup (sorry), and she had to pick a couple of them to join her in the firing line. Still sore from losing the hide and seek she chose Michael. For her second it didn’t really matter who she chose, Michael was terrible and had been throughout the process and was clear favourite to get the boot. She chose Ricky as he fronted the ruinous troupe in the kitchen. I would have liked her to take Stephen in just to see if the pressure of a potential firing would make his eyes pop out. Ricky took a lot of flack and looked a likely candidate for the firing, it was the fault of those in the kitchen and he had been their leader. In the end though Lord Sugar went with his gut feeling, possibly he had tried some of Sterling’s original product, and fired Mike.

He looked like a nice enough bloke on You’re Fired, but he was never going to last long.

Ok, there we are for week three, Duane is still my favourite. His team won convincingly despite a few minor hiccups. He led them well.

Cheers,

Andrew D Clark.